It's strange. Growing up we saw people go through midlife crises by buying things, often expensive and unnecessary things, and many of us didn't get it.
Now, many of us are at the age where we finally do. We get it. Why? Because we're at that age, too. I've found the MC (midlife crisis) is usually triggered by one if not two things (below), but the results of those things today often look different (further below).
The Triggers:
- You feel like you're falling in an abyss and there's no real end in sight
- We're 40 (ish, give or take a handful of years). We've been working for 20 years and we realize we're only halfway there, if we're lucky. We're exhausted and don't know how it's possible to do 20 more years of the hamster wheel.
- And everything around us seems to be on fire all the time. There are only so many 'once in a lifetime events' one can handle and, for most, they seem to be coming at us like an automated revolving door.
- There's a certain anxiety, energy, and exhausted despair that goes with that, kind of like Stitch from Lilo and Stitch when he throws one of his tantrums. That's how it feels. And you wonder how this will be possible for t-w-e-n-t-y more years...
- You realize that "doing all the right things" isn't fulfilling
- This doesn't mean you dislike, hate, regret, or otherwise don't want your life or family. You probably love them. However, you realize you've spent 35 years of your life (b/c at 40, you don't really remember the first 5 if we're being honest) doing all the things you were told you were supposed to do without questioning if they were right for you. Did you want to do all the things you did in the order you did them? Would you do it again the same way? Would you push back in certain areas more to give yourself more space, love, freedom, self-knowledge if you had it to do again? (assuming you had money to do things in a different order, of course, and that itself is a certain type of freedom).
- Schooling, possibly advanced schooling, marriage / relationships, kids, house, cars, want to climb the ladder by working yourself 60+ hours a week b/c that's supposed to be the way forward...etc etc etc, and also somehow fitting in pets, working out, cooking, cleaning, etc...
- ...and probably mostly all yourself too, because who has extra money these days to hire help and who lives close enough to family to create a fall-back community who can help you with these things when you're exhausted?
- It's not that you don't want your life. Life can be great! It's that, at 40, you finally start questioning. You wake up and go, "Wait, now what? Just more of this and then retire and maybe travel and die? There has to be more."
- But what does "more" look like?!?!
For the last generation, "more" was buying yourself the thing you thought you were denied - the extra house, the sexy car, maybe a divorce, a trip, clothes...you get the point....but us? Most of us can't afford any of that. Most of us are still wondering how we've managed to survive paycheck to paycheck with even bigger expenses ahead of us (e.g. healthcare costs, kids and schooling, house repairs, aging parent care, just inflation in general...)
The Outcomes:
So, without all the extra available cash or purchasing power, what are MCs (midlife crises) looking like today?
- If you're lucky - quitting your job and finding your passion. This is probably lowest on the list, though, b/c healthcare and life costs are so high most of us can't do this...
- Also if you're lucky, buying something nice and expensive...but again, expensive, so for most this is not plausible...
- Crying a lot
- Regular venting sessions with your friends where you both express your frustration, realize you're not alone, maybe drink, and then plan to do this on repeat because it's free to call your friend
- If you're lucky, hiring a therapist
- Picking up childhood hobbies, ones you either loved doing and want to do again or the ones you were denied
- Can be as innocuous as replaying video games, finding memorabilia to buy that makes you feel special but doesn't break the very small bank account you have, or following accounts that showcase this because you still get the dopamine hit, but it's free
- Finding the cheap hobbies (usually joked about as historically reserved for 'old' folks) - gardening, bird watching, getting the tactile satisfaction of a hard-copy newspaper, trying a new baking recipe, quilting, crocheting, etc
- Crying again
- Rewatching shows (possibly from your childhood but ones from your 20s and 30s you loved) because it's like an emotional blanket - you know what's coming, it's not stressful, it's comforting and familiar, and they make you feel safe and capable.
- They help reduce the amount of crying and bank-account-induced panic attacks.
So, in short, we are still in crisis during our midlife, but we don't have the funds, space, or time availability to do what were historically seen as 'MC' events. So we've come up with cheaper alternatives to help 'get us through' and make that dark abyss more comforting :)
Share your MC event! You're likely not alone!
