Living with B: A College Girl's Struggle with Bulimia and Everyday Life
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At 21, Nicole has been struggling with bulimia for six years. Desperate to overcome her addiction, or so she thinks, she seeks out Jake, a therapist at her school, for help. She quickly learns that being involved with B – the persona she's created to embody this "thing" that she fights with constantly – involves more than she initially anticipated. Unfortunately, life doesn't wait for Nicole to get over her problems. She is simultaneously bombarded with the stress of attending the end-of-year Christmas party, everyday eating worries, and a family vacation to London jeopardizing her grade in a class with an unforgiving professor. Amidst the chaos, Nicole realizes her world has been flipped upside down … or maybe just temporarily sideways and backwards…in a frenzied chaos consumed by friends, family, school, therapy, and the ever-present, sometimes ironic, occasionally funny but usually just annoying voice of B inside her head. The question becomes, can she finally live without him?
Allowing the reader a true inside look into Nicole's brain, the book proves an intimate glance at the reality faced by girls with bulimia. It is a supportive, honest, reflective, and occasionally humorous look at what it truly takes to overcome an eating disorder. It is perfect for those who need a guide or sympathetic shoulder or for those who just want to understand what it's like to live with B.
This is inspired by my true story.
Reviews
A lot of people who read this book are likely struggling with bulimia or other eating issues themselves. If you are, this book is great. It gives the harsh reality of how much living with B sucks and enough humor to help us laugh at ourselves. It is not a "how to" book, nor a "look at how great I'm recovering" book. It gives hope and humor that life continues, and yes, just might get better. - Spahrky via Amazon.com, 11/16/10
A really great take on an eating disorder book.
Awesome insight. The author does a great job of getting you inside the head of Nicole, making you feel like you're right next to her, and explaining her struggles without making you feel like everything is hopeless. The intermitten humor is a welcomed surprise and really adds to the character of the book. The overall content is good, and it's a great book for anyone with the disorder who wants some hope and a comforting companion, or for anyone who wants to understand it better. (Barnes & Noble, Jan 2011)
Features:
- Stephanie Caprini and Living with B: A College Girl's Struggle with Bulimia and Everyday Life has been featured in both the Doings Newspapers and the Chicago SunTimes
- http://www.squidoo.com/bulimia-the-effect-on-gag-reflex ("A Good Story")
- http://bulimia.healthfitplan.com/Bulimia-Information/products/Bulimia-Nervosa.html
- http://www.pagegangster.com/p/x0z9K/ (Shelf Unbound, pg 26, Dec / Jan edition)
Prologue
Breathe. Just breathe. That’s what I have to keep telling myself. I feel like a yoga instructor conducting a session on meditation, except my meditation is more of a failing attempt to prevent hyperventilation and rash decision-making. Sometimes it passes – the urge that is – and my life continues as though it never happened. Other times, well, other times the urges don’t go away, sometimes lasting for a minute or two, a few hours, or even days. Those are the worst, and I don’t just mean the days.
Urges are all the same, whether they last for three minutes or three days, these wrenching, blood pumping, heart racing, fast breathing, mind numbing urges engulfing all your energy and thoughts and concentration. You feel like your brain’s on fast-forward, like you’re caught in one of those movies where the room is spinning around you and everything’s passing you in a blur, like an A.D.D. kid stuck strapped to a chair in a white room with florescent lighting. You want it to be over; you want to think about something else; you even try focusing your attention elsewhere or holding your breath and closing your eyes thinking maybe you can outsmart the urge, and it’ll pass. You search your brain trying to find that chest buried deep inside you holding all your will power and self-respect only to find you left the key to unlock it inside the now-locked chest. Damn it, I hate when that happens.
Later, I’ll think back to my urge. I’ll end up stomping around the room mumbling, “Why don’t you have any will power?” or, “What were you thinking?” or, “Why don’t you have any will power?” That’s it, right? I mean, if I had any will power whatsoever this would never happen.
Ok, no, just kidding. That’s just another illusion I make up to blame myself yet again for still having issues. Sure, will power’s part of it, don’t get me wrong, but my God, you better have will power the strength of a thousand angry Italian women armed with red wine and a carving knife hunting down the man in charge of creating the “no-carb” diet if you expect to get anywhere. I’m not dealing with amateur urges here. These things have Olympic champion potential.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. I should explain what I’m talking about, if you haven’t already guessed. I’ve struggled with something that affects most girls since I was in high school. And now, six years later, I’m still dealing with it. I’m not sure if college helped or hurt it, but like everything else, both it and I have…evolved.
People refer to it in general as “Ed,” but I like to call mine “B.” It’s a “he” too. I’m a girl, so it just makes life easier to have the “it” be a “him.”
Okay, fine, I’ll spell it out for you, for those of you fortunate enough to still not know what language I’m speaking. Every girl ever involved with Ed has had an Eating Disorder. Mine, specifically, my beautiful and always-faithful B, is none other than “Bulimia,” or B for short. We’ve been together six years now, so I have to refer to him in a more endearing fashion.
No, no. Don’t pity me. It’s okay. I’m dealing with it, really. This isn’t one of those AA meetings, “Let’s spill our hearts to each other,” “Get through the hard times together,” “There’s strength in numbers” shit. I don’t do that. I’ve read the “About eating disorders” books, consulted the online “You can do it!” sources, and briefly talked to a few professionals about how to get past it, but I’ve found it’s my own battle. No one can make me get over B. I have to get over him myself.
Yes, some of these resources have been helpful, but I’ve found myself looking to them for a “quick fix,” and getting over B has no quick fixes. This is a serious relationship! You don’t just wake up one morning and say, “Ah, yes, I’m finally over him. Brushed teeth? Check. Showered? Check. Gotten over B? Check check!” No, hun, sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. This is a process. Every day brings different obstacles and I just need to find it in myself to get over each of them. The books and tips have been helpful. They’ve given me pointers and strength when I needed them, but I had to make my mind up first to want to get past the obstacles.
That’s what people don’t tell you. Everyone’s solution to a problem is, “Go talk to someone,” or “Just get some medication,” but issues like mine, issues like living with B, need more than just medication. You need to revamp your whole life, approach to life, and approach problems completely. Try voluntarily writing with your opposite hand and see how long you go before giving in and switching back to the way that is easier for you. That’s exactly what it’s like trying to give up B. He’s the “easy” way, the “subconscious” way, and trying to retrain yourself to live without him is H-A-R-D.
I’m not trying to make excuses. I did that. I made excuses for 6 years. I’m past that…I think…well, either way, I’m just trying to explain to you my mentality and probably the mentality of any of your friends also living with B. We need someone to allow us to vent, someone to listen to us and help us get retrained in how to live and think, but we have to want your help. You can’t make us do it, but you also have to know we need someone to talk to. Just be a good friend to us and listen, and we’ll get over our problem when we want to.
And all this is coming from the girl who’s been struggling to get over B for six years. Smart. Whoever said you should take advice from me should get his mouth washed out with soap. That’s like taking drinking advice from an alcoholic – it’s ridiculously one sided. On the other hand, though, at least it’s a new viewpoint. Right? Yes, yes, that’s it. I shall provide you with an insight – a glance if you will. Maybe then you can understand what it’s actually like living with B while I learn what I need to do to live without him.
