Stuck

I have written about milestones and approaching turning points in your life before this post.  As we all approach moments worth noting, times in our life that mark a change, or chapters that close so that others may open, it would be foolish to believe that this isn't something that affects most everyone.

Transition.  We all do it, but what is it?  How do we define it?  Or does it define us?  Is that a choice we make or is it one that is made for us?  Is it predestined?  And why, if it is only and truly a 'moment' does it have the power to affect us so greatly?

I'm turning 30 this year.  It's a 'big one' by many people's standards, or at least 'big' by their perceived realities.  I'm not sure how universal that belief is, but it seems to be a prevalent thought in the US that 30th birthday parties should be large celebrations - party worthy - and on a grand scale.  I a-liken it to a small reception or shower of some kind.  Many throw bashes or invite friends on getaways to mark the special nature of moving from one decade to the next.  Others take it as a time to reflect and really gather their thoughts around where they've been and where they're heading.  I'm finding I fall into the latter category, despite having decided to treat myself to a spa appointment at the Waldorf Astoria as my birthday present (do I get to say "to myself" when my husbands's paying for it only by thought and actually we are paying for it by joint credit card for point purposes??? But that's neither here nor there...)

Anyway.  Last night we celebrated a friend's 30th, which was hosted by her former boss in the city, and it was beautifully done.  The caterer and bar service were all top-notch, and it was clear how much my friend is loved by so many.  Still, I wonder, despite the glitz and the glam, is there happiness inside her or angst?  Indifference and platitude or fear and hope for what's to come?  And what creates that?  Is it the wonderment around wanting to know how much of what we do is actually something we ordain or that which is ordained for us?  Does having any emotional sentiment around such milestones even make sense or are we just wasting our time?  The closer we get to my birthday the more I wonder, not because I'm wrought with the fear of changing decades, but I wonder if all I have accomplished in the last decade means anything.  Did what I do impact anyone in a positive way?  Is what I'm going to do for the next decade going to?  Am I helping people or just surviving, passing unnoticed from one day to the next, until I turn 40 and come back to the same spot to wonder if I made a difference or if I simply existed?  And am I putting too much effort into wondering any of that or is it important and smart to reflect, needed in fact, to move one's life into the directly it could go?

...or....does it even matter?  Alas, I fear we shall just have to see as we cross our own versions of those thresholds ourselves.