How old are you when you're in 4th or 5th grade? Like 9? Great. Let's go with that. I started noticing my body around the age of 9, and I was learning to not be proud of it. First it was noticing I wasn't wearing the right clothes like everyone else, then it was noticing the hair on my legs and that I wasn't as pretty, and then it was full-blown noticing my size and that I was a size 10-12 by the age of, well, 10-12. And it was the latter on which I fixated for so long that I sadly allowed it to take over and rule the next decade of my life. From the age of 15-24 I was bulimic. While I was not consistently bulimic the entirety of the 10 years, nor existed with the save severity over those same 10 years, for 10 years bulimia ruled my life, my perception of food, my relationship with food, and my relationship with myself.
As of today, that is no longer the case. It's going on 7 years now that I've been healthy, happy, and whole.
I have to smile and chuckle under my breath. It's a great feeling to say those things. Actually, it's a great thing to just think those things and not have berating comments of hate rush through my brain as the immediate afterthoughts. And it took a lot of work to get here, but I wouldn't trade the effort or results for anything, because being on this side of healthy is worth it.
However, this is a cautionary tale. While I have spent the last 7 years healthy and recovered, my body has worked hard to heal and has experienced repercussions. Now granted, I probably would not have cared fully about the repercussions as a 15-year-old, thinking, "I'll be different" (like everyone does), but it would have been nice to be aware. So, if you're reading this because you're recovering, because you're thinking of doing something spiteful to your body like not eating or throwing everything up (I'm not belittling the disease, but please know that it is just as bad as the sentiment describes), or because you know someone who suffers, then let me fill you in on some of the bright sides of recovery. Note immense sarcasm.
(1) My body fluctuates between almost normal and severely bloated on a regular basis. I can fluctuate 3-5 pounds in a day. There have been times I've gone to bed at 170.5 lbs and awoken to being 165.2 lbs. Don't ask. Not sure how that works. Even my husband will notice it. He's not mean, he totally realizes the struggle, but he will say things like, "I don't understand your body" or "You look way thinner today. What happened since yesterday?" Honestly?? No idea.
(2) I realize that, as a general whole, I have no idea what foods trigger what responses in my body. While I've learned to stay completely away from things like fat-free and sugar-free foods (a) because they're SO incredibly and unnaturally horrible for your body, (b) because they give me horrid migraines, and (c) because they provide absolutely zero nutritional value to my body, I've also learned that most foods react oddly irregularly with my body. Most people do well with things like avocado or onion or apples or granola or honey or...you get the point. Yet I can be fine eating a food in one scenario and then have extreme cramps or extreme bloat upon completing it in a completely different tasty dish. Lesson learned? I have no idea what to eat. Bland seems to work best. Sometimes. Maybe. Ok, actually I just have no idea.
(3) Working out regularly is the only way to combat any of the above. Now, because of my natural and historic tendency to binge and purge, I avoid exercising in extreme fashions including: on a rigidly scheduled basis or to the point where I'm exhausted or extremely tired/sore/sweaty/dead at the end of a workout, etc. Moderate workouts of 20-30 mins preferably with a bit of weight lifting and a lot of stretching are my go-to. It keeps me sane and prohibits me from freaking out that "omg I ate too much here" or "omg I have to workout for 80 hours in 2 weeks to fit into that dress". No. I maintain some 'normalcy' but my moderate and fairly regular routing having existed as a size 12 successfully since I was 20 years old. HOWEVER...I have had times where I have worked out regularly for weeks, and I stop for a month or so and voila! 1.5 months into not working out and I look and feel amazing! WHAT IS THAT?!
(4) I avoid people who discuss food, diets, fads, losing weight, clothes, body image, body shaming, weight-loss programs, or anything relating to any of the above categories like the plague. There is nothing more to add to this other than it takes me out of 90% of conversations women have. Otherwise, it's a life-saver.
(5) I have a constant mind-game/struggle/competition with myself on days when I do feel extremely bloated and really can't figure out why because it looked like every other day including the ones where I didn't feel bloated to not freak the F************* out. Then I thank God for leggings and sweatpants and immediately curse the fact that I can't wear sweatpants to work. Then I follow that with being thankful that I still fit into my pants from 8 years ago and realize I really shouldn't be complaining and I'm probably doing something right. And then I promise myself I'll just eat salad the following day. *sigh*
And then I remember that I'm 7 years healthy, that my clothes still fit, and that, while some days I look like it's the day before my period and other days I look like I lost 10 pounds magically, I have spent the better part of the last 10 years within 5 pounds up or down around the same weight. And then I force myself to smile and realize that that is something to be proud of and not to get overwhelmed because I don't have to take the next 10 years of my life in one step, I just have to focus on the next 30-60 minutes.
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