Ok, so, this whole shelter in place thing is phenomenal.
...except for this liiiiiitttle tiny thing called: OMG I’m in recovery from bulimia and sometimes this is SO NOT OK.
I just ate a whole bowl of chips (I.e. 1/4 of a big bag) and dipped them all in French onion dip. And that was after breakfast, chocolate, and two bowls of bacon Mac and cheese at 1130 and 2. And the chips were at 445pm. They weren’t dinner. Nope. Nope nope. I’ll probs still eat later. They just were.
Delicious.
Oh. And that’s B. He’s the manifestation of my addiction. I’ve been in recovery from him for 10 years. It’s a lot like AA except there are no groups for recovering bulimics. We don’t have sponsors. Somehow we have to do this ourselves. Or with God. Or a therapist. Or alone. You know. Whatever.
But I digress. The whole point of this was that sometimes being in the house when a craving hits IS F*ING HARD. Because I still binge. I may not give into B anymore and vomit...but the binges still hit. I just hate myself less when they do and have found how to be successful and healthy the rest of the time.
But it’s ha-ha-haaaaard. I want more chips. And I want to not be a fat whale.
Shamuuuuu.
Ugh. Shut up, B.
Anyway, one of my tricks is that when I do binge, once I put it away that’s it. I allow myself to eat as much as I want (enter waves of self-imposed judgement here) while I’m binging. And then I put it away. And I do berate myself for having no self control as I’m putting it away. But after that, I don’t continue scold myself for the binge. I try to, but I work to stop myself. Over the years of being B-free I have learned that my body’s cravings (genuine cravings) are because they want something and over time I will balance myself out...so I try to remind myself it will right itself eventually.
And that no, I will not gain 300 pounds by tomorrow.
And now that I’m in quarantine....sometimes my stress and anxiety skyrocket, and I grab for anything within reach. So now I also go for a lot of around the block walks. The exercise is good for me, good for my brain / mental health, a good reminder that in this time of pandemic crisis the fact that I am healthy overall is the greatest gift...and - let’s be real - it makes me feel like my binges won’t be as disastrous as they feels in the moment.
So to all you “recoverees” out there, whether you are starting your recovery or, like me, years free, remember you are (1) beautiful, (2) healthy - which counts for 100% of everything right now! - and (3) never going to end up 300 pounds heavier tomorrow or this week, even if you did succumb to an unwelcome binge. You will be ok, and you are worth the work to get better.
My name is Stephanie and I am 10 years B-free.
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