Do you ever have those moments, where you have someone really "check" your reality for you? That was my fiancé's job tonight for me. I didn't realize that was going to be his job, but it was, and I have to admit, looking back, he did a really good job.
I like throwing myself little pity parties. I do. Although I don't always realize I'm throwing myself one until I'm in it or it's passed and I have a chance to reflect on what happened. Why do I do this? Great question. it's left over from my growing up and a remnant of my past issues in how I handled stress. I bottle. Do you bottle? I bottle. And I don't realize I bottle until all the little tiny things that didn't feel like a big deal suddenly burst out in a jet stream of carbonized liquid (think champagne popping or soda gushing out of a shaken can). That's when I realize I've been bottling.
And that's when the party starts! Chips and dip anyone?
What usually happens is I sit or curl into a ball and try to think through and process all the stress, which usually leads to more stress, and that leads to crying and feeling overwhelmed and ending up in a big, messed up heap, where I need to talk and talk and talk and talk about how I'm feeling and why things have suddenly spiraled, and why I'm crying, and how could I let it get to this point? and why didn't I see this coming? and how do I handle it from here? and why didn't I fix it before? and...
*phew* It's EXHAUSTING!
And that's how tonight's started. Except, this time, as I was explaining (yes, explaining, not yet crying) my fears to my fiancé he wasn't game. He didn't even do the lovely and much needed "I Understand" before trying to refute my claim and explain the holes in my logic. He just went into "Mr. Fix-it" mode and blew right through all the cracks in my thinking. Needless to say, I wasn't a fan. However, after about 7 or 8 go-arounds of him being like "did I understand that correctly?" and "what else is there?" and me grumpily saying" "yes" and "nothing," we finally arrived at the "I'm just being negative" station. And, according to him, I was not allowed to stay parked long. He went into all this stuff about how you're not a negative person until all these little inconsequential things build up to a point where you become über negative and it's not cool, and half the stuff you're worried about anyway is either in the future, which means you can't worry about it because it hasn't happened, or it's in th past, which means you shouldn't worry about it because you can't do anything to change the event now.
And this time I finally listened. Admittedly, I didn't want to, but I also really didn't want to be upset! Seriously! Who actually enjoys being upset? Totally a waste of energy, and so I sat and listened and reflected and realized that he was dead right and I was being dumb. I was being unfair to myself, untrue to my normally natural state, and unnecessarily worried with no reason to be, because the present (absolute present) moment was going along pretty damn well if you asked him. And, you know what? He was right. Right then I switched and slammed the door on my pity party and felt instantly better. I recommend trying it. Great feeling!
So no more invitations, and no more pity parties. Present moment. That's it. Plan for the future, appreciate the past, but focus on the now because that's all that matters, and if the "worry" isn't immediately in the moment, it's not worth the worry.
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